Fists and Fleshlights

 OK, time for a quickie from a new AO3 author. The title of this post is based on a real description found in the story, which you will see later. There's a lot of bad sex, some rape-y vibes, and a lot of semen. Brace yourselves.

The pair had gone outside to survey the grounds like they were instructed, but decided bird watching was more important. And then curling up against each other was. And then one thing led to another and Edward was in Jacob’s lap and the two were breathing deeply into each other’s mouths.

This is really some way to describe a kissing scene. If you're 'breathing into each other's mouths', I'll think you were giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. This also takes place during the height of summer, in modern times, so no idea why jeans and tall boots are appropriate. Edward is definitely a loose trousers/cargo shorts kinda guy.

He propped himself up with one arm over Jacob, his other hand holding his partner’s face, who turned a bit so he could suck on Edward’s thumb. 

I am confused at this position. I think it's supposed to be written that Edward is positioned over Jacob, with his arms on either side of him, but this makes me think they are contortionists.  

Jacob’s fingers slipped about their cocks keeping them pressed together. He traced up the veins to the heads, circling the pink skin then returned to following the veins’ curves, repeating this path. The two men’s hips gently bucked, essentially treating Jacob’s fist as one would a fleshlight.

And there's the title. And yes, the author thought this description was a good one. Definitely going into my 'descriptions that should never be used in a sex scene' list. 

Edward groaned as Jacob bit down on his thumb, wrenching his hand away from his mouth to put his face in its place.

He put his face in his mouth? 

Later, Edward cuts off Jacob before he can climax when he sees Arno go into a cabin. He decides to take a shower to entice Arno, who's doing paperwork and is trying to avoid watching Edward undress. Then, we get to here:

Edward slid off the desk and grabbed Arno by the waist, shoving him against the wall. He began unclasping the buttons on the Frenchman’s shirt but stopped after the first few.

“Are you wearing Elise’s Templar cross necklace, mate?” Edward asked, furrowing his brows.

“Relax, it’s just a keepsake, I’m not here to launder information to her, now can you get back to undressing me or are you too scared?” he scoffed.

As with most stories, Élise is just a background character; she is useless, worthless, and serves as a distraction to get in the way of gay sex. It's clear she's the Red Herring of every M/M story featuring Arno.

He released his hair and dropped to his knees, keeping his gaze focused on Arno’s. The corsair tugged down Arno’s pants and trousers then spat into his hand. He reached under him and pressed his middle and index finger to his taint and began rubbing as he licked up Arno’s shaft to the tip of his cock before putting his lips around it to blow him. 

I truly do wish that these authors would realize that spit isn't lube. It's not enough to smooth the way for anal sex and if Arno isn't experienced in that route it's going to hurt. These are some of the ways that turn me off sex scenes. Authors need to realize body parts don't react or work the way they think they do.

Arno clenched his fists as Edward tucked himself inside him, following the same back and forth motion as his mouth. He curled the two fingers inside, stroking him and sending a tingling sensation up Arno’s spine. He began panting lightly, feeling light in his stomach as Edward toyed with his undercarriage.

If the dialogue doesn't kill a sex scene, the description of it will. When I think 'undercarriage', I think the underside of a car or vehicle. I don't think of an anus. All you did was leave me with a mental image of Edward tinkering with leaky coolant or something. I don't think I've seen an anus described as an 'undercarriage' yet.  

“Turn around.”

“What?!”

“You heard me, Frenchie.”

Arno did so reluctantly, and Edward stroked his hands slowly up the Frenchman’s thighs to his ass, clutching it in his palms and digging his fingers into the skin. He kissed down his lower back’s spine to his rim where Edward began to lick him. Arno’s ears flushed red along with his face’s cheeks, he always found something like this so embarrassing.

Again...this is arousing how? You called an anus an 'undercarriage' and now you're licking it like it's ice cream. Use some soap, or something man!

Edward’s soft expression caught him off guard when he peeked at him. “Oi, try not to be so tense, mate.”

He nodded and Edward slapped his ass, snickering as Arno yelped. He moved forward to return to tonguing his ass, gripping Arno’s hips in place for him. Arno hid his face behind his arms with his forehead against the wall, wondering if this was Edward’s plan the moment he had entered the cabin.

This is the only gentleness or respect Edward is going to show Arno. It gets worse from here on out.

Meanwhile, outside, Jacob sat in a fresh pair of checkered jeans and a loose t-shirt, staring in the window at the pair through the opening between the curtains. That lucky bastard, he thought as he watched Edward eat away at Arno.

 This isn't as sexy as you think it is. I only think of Burger King when I read stuff like this.

“I want you riding me on the floor, Frenchie,” he whispered in his ear.

Arno rotated to face Edward, his back to the wall now. “Quit calling me that and maybe I will.”

Edward cocked his head to look at Jacob through the window for a brief second then grabbed Arno by the shoulders, shoving him to the floor. “All right then, pisspot, ride me.”

 Arno landed on his back with a hard thud and even Jacob from outside winced.

I'd be wincing, too. Not only am I confused with these sex positions, I have to cringe at how this is turning out. Hope Arno didn't throw his back out.

 He glared at Edward, who wore a pompous smirk as he mounted him, his thighs below Arno’s. The brunette pushed him off to the side and flipped to straddle his waist, wrenching down the joggers so Edward’s cock stood in front of Arno. He spat into his hand and grabbed it by the shaft, Edward grunting as the hand tightened around him. 

 No lube, no rubber. Wasn't Edward wearing jeans, anyways? Scratch that, wasn't he just wearing a bath towel? Methinks the author forgot that Edward took a shower.

Also, can we stop with the 'spit as lube' thing? It's not sexy, gay or straight, and if you can't get a woman wet or lube up someone enough you really shouldn't be slobbering against their 'undercarriage'.

“W—why do you look so angry? I thought you had a plan that involved me joining!” he blurted out as he was hauled by his shirt to his feet.

Edward slammed him against the wall and put his lips to Jacob’s ear. “Relax, mate, it’s all an act. You’ll get yours soon enough, just you wait.”

“Says the man that blue-balled me not even thirty minutes ago,” he grumbled.

“Quiet!”

Look, Edward is a major troll in the games who doesn't give a shit half the time. But this is straight up asshole behaviour. He's treating both Arno and Jacob like they're holes to fuck, not people. But this is just the beginning. 

Arno scowled at Jacob’s worried expression, grabbing his dick under him.

If this is a spitroasting session, shouldn't everyone know what they're getting into? 

“I see you’re hard as hell,” he said, a dark glower spreading over his eyes. “Pervertir.”

Arno's tough talking now. He won't later. 

Edward shook his head, forcing himself into Jacob’s mouth, who choked as his head was lurched back so he couldn’t watch Arno take him inside of him. Arno and Edward both swayed their hips slowly at first, though Kenway smacked Jacob’s face when he tried to peek down his nose at Arno.

This is another problem I have with oral sex scenes. If you're choking someone with a penis, and they're audibly choking on it, it's time to stop. I don't like thinking about people vomiting during scenes like these. 

“Oi, eyes up here, mate,” Edward snapped with a smirk, knowing full well the poor man couldn’t see much past the cock over his face.

Jacob groaned, his voice tickling Edward’s skin. He swore under his breath, reaching around to pull Frye’s head up so he’d need to take more down his throat. 

Yeah, that's begging for a gag reflex to happen, bud. 

Arno in the meantime rocked back over his lap, bucking his hips while stroking his own cock. He bit his lip, burrowing his other hand’s fingers into Jacob’s thigh as he braced himself so he could buck harder. Edward watched Dorian hasten his ride over Frye. Arno was angry with Jacob and unafraid to take out his frustration by drilling himself with the other man’s cock.

OK, this author really, really needs to learn how to write a proper sex scene. I've read plenty of bad sex, and what'll get me is the wrong word used to describe what is happening. When you write 'drilled', I don't think someone riding a cock hard. I think of oil drilling and Sarah Palin going, "Drill, baby, drill."

Even stories that I've covered here with actual rape in them used proper terminology. 

The corsair kept his strokes into Jacob’s mouth slow and moved back so they were no longer deep down his friend’s throat either. He then reached back and unclasped the belt, slapping Jacob’s wrists when he tried to move his arms from the position. Frye wrinkled his brows, lapping at Edward’s tip with his tongue while quietly moaning from Arno’s roughhousing. Edward noticed the two brunettes were becoming red faced and their bodies were quivering more so he snapped his fingers at Arno.

“Stop, now,” he demanded, leaning forward on his knees to take Arno by his chin. “Calm the fuck down, you’ll ruin the fun.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” Arno panted staring into his eyes. “I thought we were just using him.”

Such gentlemen. Using another man as a sex toy and a set of holes. Such equality. 

Edward chuckled to himself for a moment before returning Dorian’s frown. “Of course, you do, Frenchie,” The blonde’s hand dropped down and gripped Arno by the throat then slammed him to the floor on his back. He pinned him by the wrists and flipped his head around to face Jacob. “Pull out, dumbass, and come grab his hands.”

Arno was flustered, writhing under Edward. “Hey! What on Earth are you doing?!”

I told you it was going to get worse. Now, Arno is being physically abused and will be sexually humiliated. It's clear neither Jacob or Arno expected this or even fully wanted it, but 'went along with it' to 'use' the other. Doesn't sound like an orgy to me.  

Jacob pulled himself out of Arno then moved to the front of the others to hold his arms down while Edward moved his hands to pick up Arno’s thighs and thrust himself inside. The Frenchman gasped when he was penetrated a second time as Kenway didn’t care to be gentle upon entering him, sticking his full cock into him with a smug grin. He stroked his hand up Arno’s body to his neck, clasping his fingers around it and making his grip firm. The smaller man gasped and fidgeted under him, uncomfortable with how he was being restrained to the floor.

Reminder that Edward is using zero lubrication or protection. He is going in raw. That has got to hurt. It's clear Arno is not enjoying what is happening to him or is fully consenting to what's going on. As an added bonus, he's choked to where it's difficult for him to speak. 

Edward’s smile was malicious as he leaned into Arno’s face. “Aw, what’s wrong? Can’t break free?”

“Fuck… Fuck you,” he choked out.

Edward laughed, looking up to Jacob. “Help me flip him, mate.”

“Gladly.”

The two twisted Arno around, holding him in place while he whined on and on about how this wasn’t what he wanted. Edward shoved his face down against the wooden floor, laughing when French insults were directed at him.

OK, this has gone from sex to cruelty. Whenever someone is telling that what you're doing isn't what they want, it's time to stop. It's not sexy anymore. Not only do these new sex positions sound painful, they're humiliating. The fact Arno is having his face roughly shoved into the floor doesn't sound like a fun time to me. It sounds like brute force is being applied to show him his defiance isn't appreciated. 

I also don't appreciated the use of the adjective 'whine'. He's not whining, he is telling you he doesn't like it. There is a fine line between rough sex and assault. Jacob isn't helping matters by pinning Arno down. 

“I ain’t got a damn clue what ya said, Frenchie, you’re gonna have to try a different tactic if you wanna piss me off,” he said with a leering gaze down to Arno’s dirty look. Edward yanked him back by his hair, making the brunette wince and yelp, his body contorted uncomfortably on his elbows and knees. “How ‘bout ya give Jakey something special, hm?”

I want to know how Arno is giving Edward a dirty look when his face is being shoved into the floor. I guess Edward was nice enough to let him lift it up. 

Jacob snickered, moving to sit in front of Arno on the floor and take his chin between his index finger and thumb. “It’s only equality, Frenchie, no need to look so angry.”
Edward forced Arno’s head down to Jacob’s groin, keeping a steady pace as he fucked him. “Your turn to give a little.”

Arno has every right to be angry. He's had his faced shoved down to the floor and is practically being sat on. He's being sodomized with no preparation and is more or less being treated as a collection of holes. 

“You fucking bastards, remind me to never trust either of you ever again,” he growled afore Jacob took control of his head and stuffed his cock down his throat, making him gag in the process.

Making someone gag during deepthroat isn't sexy, fyi. 

“Oh, don’t worry about Jake, sweetheart. This was my scheme and ya know what they say, don’t you?” Edward gripped Dorian’s hips tight while making eye contact with Jacob. “Never trust a pirate.”

The sailor picked up his pace, knowing that Arno was already near coming and being rough with him was only going to speed up the inevitable. Frye did feel a tad sorry for the Frenchman, loosening his hold on his hair so he could suck him at his own speed. 

That's not really kindness. You're already sexually humiliating someone and enjoying it. You fail to tell the other party to be gentler. You revel in it. How am I supposed to take your sympathy seriously? You choked him with your dick in the first place! 

Edward’s white knuckles left Arno’s hips with pink prints across the skin, moans crawling out his lips from deep in his throat. Edward thrusted himself ruthlessly against Arno’s backend, his body shaking trying to keep from giving in and dropping against the floor. His knees burned from rubbing against the wood floor and Jacob glanced nervously at the blonde, who didn’t seem to care he was physically hurting Arno.

 No, of course not. Because he's an asshole. You should absolutely care if you're hurting someone during sex, especially when they're not into it. If they like getting bruised or strangled or whatever, as creepy as it is, hey, they asked for it (playing Devil's Advocate here). Arno isn't asking for anything here. He's the token bottom and he's being used and torn apart like a broken toy.

Jacob laid his legs out so that Dorian could press his elbows into his thighs so his shirt’s sleeves wouldn’t keep slipping on the floor. Edward noticed Jacob performing his little acts of charity and smiled to himself. I give him the chance to be cruel and he chooses to be kind, how darling, he thought to himself, slowing down to feed Arno’s ass long, deep strokes. Edward reached his right hand around to clasp his fingers around the Frenchman’s cock, squeezing its base between his fingers to make the man groan and arch his back.

'Undercarriage'. 'Drilling'. 'Feeding Arno's ass'. All of these descriptions don't ping 'sexy' in my mind. I either think of a off shore oil rig or an auto-repair shop. Despite Jacob participating in this shit heap of an orgy, he at least is actively trying not to be cruel. Edward here is wishing that Jacob would be as nasty to Arno as he has been. What a piece of shit.

Kenway pulled out of Arno and drew him back on top of him, himself laying on the floor now, holding Arno’s cock and giving it the last few touches needed to come. His cum sprayed up his stomach across his naval in long white ropes, his ribcage heaving as Edward finally let him catch his breath. Jacob gulped, feeling his own member twitch just from the sight of Arno sprawled out in front of him with semen dripping down his skin.

While...laying backwards?

The blonde raised his eyebrows at Jacob. “You gonna finish yourself off, mate?”

Jacob startled a bit, adjusting himself to sit forward. “Uh, right, of course.”

He began jerking himself off but Edward snapped his fingers to draw his attention back to them. He pushed Arno to sit up and yanked Arno’s head back by his ponytail. “Finish on his face.”

“What?!” the two brunettes both were shocked by Edward’s demand.
The pirate stood, still holding Arno’s head in place with one hand while he jerked himself off with his other. “I wasn’t asking.”

That's not humiliating at all. 

Jacob stood up and moved in front of Arno with hesitation, though his cock quivered in his fingers as he lined himself up with the kneeling man’s face. Arno shut his eyes and pressed his lips tight together, not exactly amped about this position he was forced into. Jacob came shortly after, sticky white strings lining his nose, lips, and chin. Edward grinned deviously then kicked Jacob’s knees, making the Englishman drop down to kneel in front of Arno. He yelped and went to glare at Kenway but soon shut his eyes to avoid Edward’s cum from getting in them. Both of the brunettes sat in front of each other, chagrinned and with cum striping their faces to match Arno’s stomach.

 You know, the most important thing about sex is a thing called consent. You know, the thing you people keep stressing over in sex-ed classes and Tumblr/Twitter posts? Weird how in their fantasies consent is the last thing on their minds. Were it not for the fire hydrant ejaculation, the faces being shoved to the floor, and the ruthless anal sex, I'd think this was a prison rape scene. True to form, it was a spitroasting session, but nobody seemed to actively enjoy it aside from Edward, who wanted to inflict pain and humiliation. If someone is 'whining' that they don't want to be in that position or is giving indications they're in pain, it's time to stop. 

Authors who don't grasp these cues aren't writing sex anymore. I'm watching a dumpster fire blow up.

Jacob finishes licking semen off Arno's body before both act shocked that Edward is leaving to go get lunch. At the end, they complain that he was 'rude'. 

Yes, 'rude'. Now, maybe I'm taking this too seriously, but I don't like my intelligence to be insulted. When you write a sex scene and one participant is clearly not enjoying what is happening to them and is being physically used and abused, that doesn't get an arousal response from me. It also doesn't help that 'feeding his ass', 'drilling', and other ridiculous terms for anatomy are used. 

I've said this multiple times, but I'll never understand why Arno is always made to be the token bottom bitch who is either getting raped, impregnated, or has zero control over his sexuality. He's just a set of holes to be fucked. As for Edward, yes he's a manwhore, but this degree of pirate cruelty is too much even for him. He never treated Caroline like that, and he never mistreated his daughter. So when you want to craft a spitroasting scene as shitty as this author did, all you're going to do is make me wonder what the fuck you were smoking. Choking on someone's dick, being shoved to the floor, and sodomized without any lubrication or care isn't an orgy. It's just shitty, abusive sex.

You should've just stopped at the 'Drill, baby, drill' part.