Bounding Through Time like a K-T Event

This will be a multi-part series for an author going by the handle Nightlily97. It has everything I need in a story: bad characterization, sappy male characters and subtle cuckoldry, and a misuse of time travel. The small, multi-chapter stories will be summarized quickly, whereas the others will be covered in depth.

Why not start off with enough sap to make the maple syrup industry go bankrupt? As usual, it's based on a tumblr prompt:

I never felt happy as much as I'm with him. He was perfect, in all the meanings of the word.

He was caring, loving, good looking, French and an assassin.

Arno Dorian was the perfect guy and I probably don't deserve him but I don't care.He was mine.

Yes, Arno, for a fictional character, does have the traits women adore in men: loyalty, honour, duty, and pure love. And he is a very well programmed pair of pixels. So is Jacob. Now, what do you get when you have very attractive fictional (white) men being adored by slash ficcers?

You get the 'I don't deserve him and he's mine and boy you are going to love it when I suck his dick' plot.

At first, we were just friends, his way of thinking reminded me a lot of my father and sister.But as the time passed I quickly learned that I'm falling for this damn guy and I want him to stay with me in London. 

I don't mind the 'Friends to Lovers' trope, and it's a pretty effective tactic to build up a romance. But here, it's so hamfisted I'm waiting for the actual fisting to happen.

First, Jacob and Evie's thinking often diverged so much they would get into fights. In regards to his father, Jacob is rather stingy over him, viewing Evie as a carbon copy of him. Wouldn't Arno reminding him of his dad be a bad thing?

This is an AU where these two exist in the same timeline. Arno is almost a hundred years behind Jacob in canon. He's gotta tell me what kind of skin cream he uses.

And with that, he left me, with a promise to return.I held myself from crying, it's not like he left me completely.‘Arno promised he'll return. Pull yourself together Jacob.’ I told myself as I walked in the street.

1. You barely know each other.
2. This level of attachment when you barely know each other is not healthy.
3. Yes, pull yourself together. You don't have any chemistry and one of the major parts of any relationship is dealing with each other when you are apart. If you cannot live without that person for more than an hour, you need psychiatric help.

I sighed deeply as I heard the familiar annoying voice. I just said goodbye to my lover, I have no patience to deal with Roth now.While it was true I got along with him better than even with my own blood sister, now it was the wrong time to drag me into one of his crazy adventures.

A guy who nearly burned a building full of kids and snapped a baby bird's neck is A-OK now. You know, Lily, that animal abuse is a sign of psychopathy? That IRL serial killers, before they killed humans, all abused animals? Yup, get along just fine.

I wasn't sure how to answer. Should I say Arno is my lover? It's not like a homosexual relationship was such a common thing in Britain. If already, it was something that can be called disgusting. Then again, the last thing I care about is what Roth is thinking about me. 

This is the self-hating homosexual cliche, and as always it's a Red Herring: 'Ugh, homosexuality is so disgusting. You want to bang my hole, dude? I'll totally suck your dick.' While homosexuality was decriminalized in France in 1791, it was for personal affairs only; you could not be an open homosexual. In Britain, there were still buggery laws but, again, you had to be an open homosexual to be caught. This was an era where the good old British tradition of cottaging arose, along with rich gay men going to poorer European countries to sodomize young boys. It's a dirty secret, and men did it to both underage girls and boys.

And, once again, you two barely know each other.

At first, when I met you, I must admit I already felt something, love at first sight perhaps. But I wasn't sure of it.How can I? I was attracted to women my entire life, I loved Élise until her death.But after meeting you, everything I thought I know about myself started to confuse me.

"I loved a woman with all of my heart and was thrown into a depression when she died, but it's OK because I met you and became bi-curious and then gay. Just one meeting and I know I was 100% closeted. Screw that ginger, she was a bitch!"

Jacob Frye, you managed to pull me out of the dark place I was falling to after Élise’s death. And for that, I'm forever grateful for you. 

We don't even learn of what this 'dark place' is, that's how ham-fisted this romance is.

In Chapter 2, we have this:

It's been half a year already and I heard nothing from Arno. Did he forget about me? Because it doesn't seem like he's returning anytime soon if at all. 

This is not the era of Grindr or e-mail, where messages can be sent instantaneously. Letters can take months to reach their sender. While with locomotives and mailing systems/telecommunication systems becoming more sophisticated during this era, it was not perfect. Not getting a letter for months is perfectly normal. Stop being an obsessive baby, Jacob.

 I yelled at him, trying my best not to cry. Tears won't do anything good here. 

You want a tissue for all that onion chopping?

“If something happened?! You promised Dorian! You promised you'd write for me and be back as fast as you can! I didn't hear a single word from you for half a year!”

“What are you talking about Jacob? I wrote you every week! You didn't receive my letters?!” 

Jacob gets unnecessarily upset and possessive when a simple mistake of not reading his mail is addressed. We have had no real build-up of this relationship, so this whole thing appears very one-sided, if not possessive.

This guy was unbelievable. Roth was acting so weird ever since Arno showed up in my life. 

It's pretty easy why. Roth is jealous Jacob's attentions are towards someone else, so he stole the letters Arno sent him. Much shock. Arno then tells him - correctly! - Roth is a psychopath, and Jacob, for whatever reason, doesn't get it. The Rothfrye pairing is as cringy as the Dorian/Frye pairing, especially since Roth was a guy OK with burning a building full of kids.

Psychopaths and mass murderers get a pass provided they're gay.

‘He has a thing for you.’It can't be. Arno is simply imagining it. I mean, it can explain Roth’s behaviour.The fact he stole Arno’s letters, the fact he picked up on him like a bloody bully, the fact he didn't leave me alone at all.But it can't be. Arno is wrong. He must be wrong. 

Not only are you insulting my intelligence, you're insulting the reader's intelligence. No way in Hell Jacob would not know Roth didn't have a thing for him. They're acting like a bunch of sappy teenage girls. The signs are obvious as daybreak. Who are you fooling here?

I felt betrayed. I trusted the guy, I helped him in his crazy missions. I thought we understand each other.I can't believe how stupid I was. 

Hey, you said it. Not me. Nice lampshading, though.

“Princess…?”This was Arno's nickname for me. Claiming I'm acting like such a spoiled princess sometimes.Only if he knew I act like that because of how much he spoils me.

That's...queerer than a $3 bill made of rainbows and sparkling unicorns. The Fulsom Street Fair manages better nicknames. What the Hell.

This story ends with the two lovers reuniting after a totally jaw-clenching scene of Arno almost dying, before plot armour saves him. Needless to say, it was anti-climatic.

Return of the Cringe will be right after the line break.

This one was written by a friend of the author. I wonder if there'll be any improvements?

We have a 'Fade to black' cliche. And Jacob goes back in time...

"Calm down. He's with me." Another guy said and walked toward the hooded man. I wish I could understand what they were saying.I frowned as I felt something in one my pockets, just now I noticed the extra weight and reached my hand to see what it was.

 How do you even know de Sade is saying 'calm down' if you don't speak French, Jacob? Logic.

Arno looked at me for another moment before he chuckled and stood up. "Not going to happen British boy." He said. Was my French accent that terrible?

Wait. If you can speak French, yet the bartender speaks English...who is saying what, and what are you saying to everybody else? Ugh.

Then again, when I ever had good ideas? 

I can ask the author the same thing.

Not to say he told he got exiled from the brotherhood. I remember it was mentioned in the document I read about him. But the question is, how did he return to the brotherhood? And when did he return exactly 

You read his file. He returned to the Brotherhood sometime in 1794. Either you're as dumb as Evie thinks you are, or are made dumber because the author doesn't know much canon. Whatever it is, I'm taking it with a lot of salt.

"And I got a name French boy. I'm Jacob. Jacob Frye." I reached my hand toward him.

"Arno Dorian." Arno shook my hand. So we just started a new page, that was better than our first meeting earlier. 

Except you...already had a brief introduction at the bar? You already sorta knew each other? Fuck it.

Something bad clearly happened in his life, and I wonder what it was to make him act...well, like a bloody bastard.  

To be fair, it was likely Elise's death was never recorded as per his wishes, but Jacob has room to talk. They're both sassy bastards. That's why they're so loved by fans.

“Do you find me so interesting that you keep staring at me?” Arno’s voice made me snap out of my daydream. 

While you are quite the attraction, Monsieur Dorian, Jacob was sneaking a peek at your crotch, because he's going to be going the merry-go-round route with it soon.

“If you're done flirting…” Léon said as he started to walk, “we should get going.” I could hear the amusement in his voice and I could feel the blush over my cheeks. 

Out of the mouths of babes...and a plagiarized plot. Imagine working in Japan all those months and copying the DLC. Let me mop the sweat off your brow.

Now that I know where to look for, I don’t need this bloody git anymore. 

No, that's why you were totes flirting not more than ten minutes ago.

There will be an addendum, as this fic was re-written by the author's friend.  It will be covered right after the line break.

I wonder if this one will be any better?

“If you're really interested, I met his younger brother, Léon. I could send him a letter if you wish to speak to him.”

Leon and Arno weren't related by blood, and Leon would be really, really old by this point. Again, I wonder what kind of skin cream he uses.

I nodded at a man that gave me a cup of red wine, starting to drink it. 

Wine is expensive, and you take me as a beer/ale drinker, Jacob. Englishmen love ale, Frenchmen prefer wine.

Dean didn't mention at all that Arno stopped being an assassin at such a young age. At least he looked young to me. He looked a bit older than me but also not in his 30’s yet. 

He was expelled from the Brotherhood, and it would have been recorded the same as Altair's demotion. Jacob must've not read the margins.

Really, he decided that now would be a good time to pray?‘What the bloody hell is going through your mind, Dorian?’I got off the building and walked toward the church. 

Jacob may not have been as diligent as Evie in regards to history, but Jacob should know that France at this time broke off with the Catholic Church and became secular. Plus, people were afraid of entering churches because of the restrictions on professions of faith. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

“This is hurtful Mr Dorian. I can be a great help.” I said as I crossed my arms. 

Jacob, this isn't a safe space. Show some sass for once. And how is it he can speak French all of a sudden? Piece of Eden trick? Ah, who knows?

Well this ended abruptly. Was it any improvement? No. It was yet another copycat of the DLC, with a wasted time-travel plot and terrible characterizations and interactions. There's a thing called effort: you should spend some time on it.

Now, for the magnum opus (sorta).

Inspired by these comments:

Gingers don't get enough love; they're truly the oppressed people of the world. Elise gets the shank because she's 'such a bitch'. What would happen if she got the Spider-man Mary Jane treatment, or the race-swapping of Ariel from 'The Little Mermaid'? Nobody would touch her then.

I met a guy once.There wasn't anything special about him. He was pretty tall, French. His light brown hair was tied into a short ponytail and his golden eyes reminded me of hawk's eyes, observing his territory for prey.

Arno's eyes are brown, with a smidgen of green (if you look hard enough). Altair and Ezio had golden eyes, and so did Desmond. Jacob's eyes are hazel.

We're not off to a good start if we're debating eye colour, here.

He was an orphan who joined the Assassins and trained to fight for France and free its people from the revolution. He wanted, and succeeded, to help his country win an impossible war.

 Wait a second. Don't you mean 'help the people during the Revolution'? Because even if it never happened, France was massively in debt and she would've been carved into pieces the same way Poland was during the Partition. The Revolution, bloody as it was, was a people's revolt. Revolutions get bloody when peaceful methods are refused or are shot down, remember.

He was an outstanding fighter, using stealth to his advantage. His combat skills weren't too bad either and he knew how to combine the two and defeat his enemies quickly and efficiently.

>Outstanding fighter
>Combat skills weren't too bad

Pick one.

I had nothing else on my mind, and I knew for sure the revolution didn't end yet. Arno probably needed help one way or another, and I needed an excuse to stay close to him. 

It ended in 1799. And say you'll suck his dick. That'll work.

'I freed the city of London from the Templars,' I thought a bit annoyed, 'I am more than capable to help you with your little revolution.' 

"I'm confused and don't know where I am, but fuck you I'm helpful."

He was in love.It was a woman. She was shorter than him by a bit, he red hair was always held behind her head with a hairpin.She was his most cherished childhood friend.And she was a Templar. 

Uh-oh. Better fridge the bitch, because the author doesn't like her!

Admiration turned into liking and before I knew it I fell for him.I fell for the guy I wished to meet so bad. 

In two months? This wouldn't fly even with an OC fic. There's no build-up here. At all.

I soon came to meet a woman named Élise. Every bone in my body hated her. 

This is the author talking, and Jacob sounds like your typical gay misogynist: 'How dare the man I love be in love with a woman first! Fuck her, women are disgusting!'

She didn't trust me. She didn't want me there. She didn’t want me near him. 

I'd hate you too, Jacob, because you're a possessive asshole who will patiently wait until Arno's love dies so you can swoop in and have sex with him. 

I looked at her surprised as she told me to stay away from Arno and make sure I don't infect him with my disease. I blinked at her a few times, giving her a blank look. I hated her, but I had no intention to make her break up with Arno, especially when I saw just how happy the French was with her.

You know he's happy with Elise, but your jealousy is so overwhelming you'll do anything to break them apart, and will take glee in her death and Arno's heartbreak. In a single sentence, you became the world's biggest asshole, Jacob.

"We should split up." She said. Who says that? I thought it was an important mission against a difficult target. Splitting up is the last thing we should think of. 

Eh? You and Evie often worked separately. Where is this coming from?

Elise dies at the end of Chapter 3, and this is where the romance will really come into play. 

He was so broken. I couldn't help. I wasn't her, I wasn't who he wanted.But I never stopped hoping one day I would be.

"Yes, the love of your life died. It's awesome, because now I can have you all to myself without that redheaded bitch and her vagoo getting in the way."

 Having our relationship return to what it was before made me feel as if I huge weight was lifted off my chest. I couldn’t continue the daily routine of us ignoring each other and focusing our mind on other things instead of working things out. After all, I’m stuck here until the damn Apple decides I may return back. And being with Arno was better than going to the French council and ask them for help. 

Despite Arno not knowing you, despite there being no evidence for this relationship, despite you being there for Arno for what, several days? at his bedside, you're already swooping in and 'working things out'. It doesn't work like that, especially for an extrovert who grieves and feels deeply.

I felt Arno's lips against mine. It was a slow, soft, kiss. Completely different from the one we shared a week ago.His hand stroked my cheek, sending shivers down my spine. I couldn't understand the look on his face. It looked a lot like guilt. For what? For Élise? For liking someone besides her?There was also confusion. He wasn't sure of his feelings. He wasn't sure if what he was doing is right. Warmth. Care. So much for just one look. 

Elise's body isn't even cold and you're moving in with this romance. I'm glad a man who loved his girlfriend so much is ready to honour here memory mere weeks after she's gone with a guy he barely knows. Makes total, absolute sense. Arno isn't even sure if he's bisexual/gay at this point, but the author will make him gay because she absolutely loathes Elise.

It was a week before Arno's birthday. We were dating for a month now.And it was the best month I had my entire life.

So. Not even a month after her death (she died in late July, Arno's birthday is on August 26th) and you two are dating. Yeah. That's believable.

I felt broken again.

I remember having a dream last night. In the dream I was with Jacob, we were walking in the street. I was smiling at him. My Jacob, my beautiful Jacob that I loved so much.
He was my everything. He was there to cheer me up and stay by my side after everything I've been through.

1. One month since Elise's death.
2. Your depression is cured by the magical gay Englishman.
3. No build-up whatsoever.
4. This whole thing was based on Jacob's hatred of Elise, which Arno is still ignorant about.
5. Assume she's a bitch, hate her because she's a bitch, and gloat over her death.
6. Sell this pairing to idiots, who gobble it up because it's a slash pairing.

  I never met someone like him in my life. Even Elise, the person I loved dearly for a long time didn’t make me feel what he did.

Yes, Arno. The woman you promised yourself to, wholly and fully, you dishonour her memory by going with a guy a month after her death. Fuck you too, asshole. What, is it because Jacob will give you a prostate massage? Is that why he 'makes you feel' that way?

My name is Jacob Frye. I have a twin sister and I was born in Crawley, UK, in 1948. 

Don't you mean 1848? And oh, that departing letter...I cried such tears.

He was gone. My love was taken away from me once again. And I was left all alone.I felt a terrible pain in my chest. It was worse than the feeling I had after Elise's death.

ONE MONTH

O N E M O N T H
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M
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And then...Chapter 7 changes timelines again. To high school. What. The. Fuck.

"The two of you are still together?" Altaïr's voice came out of nowhere, "dude, break up with her already."

Stop being discriminatory towards gingers, girl. They're a minority. They have rights, too. 

"Arno is mine. He was mine and he will be mine. Don't think you were more than a replacement."A replacement? What the hell is she talking about. Why would I even care about her stupid boyfriend?

Poor Elise. Her boyfriend is going to get the ramrod shaft from an Englishman and there's nothing she can do about it. All because the author despises her for being a female love interest.

Predictably, Elise is written as the 'crazy girl', who is irrational and possessive over Arno. She is meant to be the female villain who gets in the way of our sacred gay couple. This trope is used constantly, and every time the female is absolutely humiliated. The author - and this goes for published authors too - have zero respect for female characters in these situations. It goes without saying it's gay misogyny - in the truest sense of the word.

Okay, the guy has the most beautiful eye colour I've ever seen. Perfect mixture of hazel and green but they seemed… lonely?
Jacob made me let go of him after a few seconds.

“Stop staring like a freak and get this over with.” He said, bending down to tie his shoes.

 Yes, we get it. You find both of these white men attractive, knowing you cannot ever have men like them in real life because they're sexist pieces of shit or whatever. If you can't get a hot man, ruin him by sodomizing him. Works every time.

That was when I felt the tears. Everything came back to me all of sudden.Arno… Arno Dorian.. MY Arno. We met before. I know him. I... fell for him.All the dreams I was having, all the confusion about him...It's all because we met one. Or at least our ancestors or something like this. 

There are time travel romance plots and reincarnation plots, and then there is trash like this that never should've made it past the WordDoc. Even if this was beta'ed, it'd still be a piece of shit. Holy hell, this is so female centric I grew a second pair of tits.

Arno and I used to be together once, but the bitch got to him again. Arno is her’s.I can't have him.How do I always get the luck of falling for the same unapproachable guy?

 Easy. Wait for the psycho bitch to pressure her boyfriend to break up with him, and then give him a wiggle. You'll definitely show him your wonderful English cottage, won't you?

At this point, I had enough. I grabbed her by the hair and pulled her closer to me.

“Listen to me well..” I said annoyed. “I don't give a single fuck about what you think. Back then, I didn't mind your empty threats because Arno's good was more important than anything else. But I'm done putting up with your shit. Get close to me again, and I'll stick my blade deep in your throat.” Letting go of her, I grabbed my bag and walked past Arno out of the house.

Nice manhandling. I'm sure that makes you look good in comparison. Truth be told, this back and forth abusive attitude by both Elise and Jacob don't make me pity either of them. Elise is only made this way because the author despises her (gingers don't have souls, after all), and Jacob is angry she's mad at him for trying to steal her boyfriend. It's so petty as to be ridiculous, but Jacob did just threaten Elise with death. In front of Arno.

What a way to show your love interest how you roll, dude.

I still don't understand that. As far as I know, she and Jacob aren't familiar with each other, and he has done nothing to even hit on me. If already, I started developing a crush on him.I hoped he'd let me talk to him, but I never got that chance.

 Yes, this is totally healthy, especially after you watched your girlfriend get threatened by your boytoy.

This discontinued story ended with Jacob Frye - who has the same name and appearance as his ancestor, Jacob Frye - falling in love with Arno Dorian, who also looks the same as his ancestor Arno Dorian. What a timeception. Anyways, this whole thing stank from the get-go more than an Indian designated shitting street.

This 'romance' was never built up, and it is, frankly, unhealthy. The author, Lily, doesn't do any favours to gay men by making them obsessive assholes who wait until female love interests get killed so they can move in. It's unbelievably disgusting, and borderline sociopathic. You don't care for that person; you only want to fuck them. You're predatory, scheming, and destructive. I have zero pity for you and thank YOU to the author for showing all those nasty stereotypes you insist are oh-so wrong.

Jacob Frye is just a possessive gay man going after a guy he knows has a girlfriend, and how does our Frenchie respond? Jumping into bed not even a month after his beloved dies.

Oh that's wonderful character development. Not at all that trashy harlequin romance trope you authors claim to hate and desire to move away from. Isn't it nice, then, to see your work reveal your base desires? Really gets the almonds going.

Nothing makes me smile like fanficcers becoming their own worst nightmares and not having the self-awareness to notice it.