Pain in the month of June - Pistols at Dawn Chapter 14

According to Les, this chapter makes 1/4 of the length of her entire story. At 138,000 words, she has failed to introduce any antagonist or proper story plot and has filled it with useless exposition and awful character development. From the previous chapter, we discover Elysia actually does like the dick, and acts like a melting Klondike bar when her Twilight boyfriend enters the picture. As for actual antagonists like Germaine or Shay, they have yet to appear. 

Yes, Les, I do agree 2020 needs a reset button. Your trilogy should've never gotten off the ground, yet here we are.

The imagery of Charlotte’s café was too good to pass up; the atmosphere welcoming and warm, and the way Marceline dressed the bread in sugary delight. Like a magician she commanded the smoke that arose from the caramel-colored shell, and how she cradled each piece in her dark fingers like a newborn infant. Grouped together in an intricate pattern that would put any artist to shame, and make so many bakers envious of her hard-working years. And Arno, being as polite as he could be, thanked her with several bows of his head. Then, when he lifted his piece to his mouth, and took the next bite-

This is a weird way to describe kneading bread. I do need to mention - as I have countless times before - that sugar was a luxury at this time and very expensive. It and bread were heavily taxed, especially since the sugar plantations in the Caribbean were undergoing slave revolts and race riots. Given the George Floyd riots and subsequent destruction of American cities, it would be apt to include this reference, but I don't think Les has thought that far ahead (again). 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you, about Elysia.”

Arno arched a questioning brow, “Anything specific?”

“Nothing grave,” Bellac comforted, and this provoked Arno’s interest further. “I wanted to know…” the Master Assassin rested an arm on the table, and swept his unoccupied hand up to signal Arno to respond afterwards, “how you are faring with her, and her team. They’re a little…..odd, but if I had to be honest, I wouldn’t put my trust in any other Master to work out this partnership.”

  Hmm..let's see. Elysia:

- Tried to murder Arno when he called her out on her failure to keep the Café afloat, putting her employees at risk of destitution.

- Repeatedly disowns Arno and looks at him as less than human.

- Refuses to treat him as human.

- Does not cultivate any of his skills and prefers her own group to him.

- Isolates him and forces him to take on a bigger workload so he can 'shape up' to become an Assassin.

This was laid out in previous chapters. Elysia also nearly killed her entire team by not telling them about a trap set up in that Church, and had them play a dumb capture-the-flag tournament to get to a target we never heard about again. Her treatment of the French involves stealing grain so her boyfriend can get rich, and treating Africans - a true minority in France at the time - with more humanity than her own apprentices. As a mentor, she also has no knowledge on Assassin history and is virtually ignorant on who Shay Cormac is.

This is the character designed to carry the story.

Arno rubbed his lips, hiding his sly smile, “Sounds like you and Master Elysia have some history. Care to share?”

"Not much that you'd find exciting.” I beg to differ, Arno thought. “Simply put, we were acquaintances once before things took a sour turn." Bellac answered, drumming his callous knuckles against the wooden surface, "Wouldn't have been too surprised if she kept that grudge all these years and pushed it onto you to suffer with."

 I always have an issue when characters are talking about another character's traits as being noble when their actions say otherwise. You cannot fool me into thinking that Elysia is a good character. Bellec is right here: she is taking her grudges out on 'easy prey', and she reacts strongly when said prey doesn't go down without a fight. 

“Hmmm, she’s not anything like that,” Arno quirked a smile at the memory at the balcony. “From what I have seen. The rest of her team look pretty happy being with her too.”

Of course not. Forget that she tried to kill you in front of her employees because you said she didn't know how to run a business. She was trying to kill you for being right.  

Bellac scoffed softly at this, “Ah, a bunch of weirdos they are. Not much to pick upon unless you consider James. You know, he was going to be my student when he first pleaded with the Council to consider taking him into the Parisian Order?"

“…Oh?” This was news, nor had James mentioned anything. “So what happened?” Other than the obvious.

"Pssh, he was a bit of a smartass then. Had a mouth without a head to think. One look Elysia's way and he just decided he wanted her for a Mentor. Dunno if it was to spite me or what, Elysia accepted it and he practically became her right-hand man."

My guess is that he decided to enter the fox farm first and came with the right ammo. Elysia never tried to kill him because he was her favourite. This isn't good character development, btw.

“Huh…So she didn’t have students until she had James. Which was…..four, five years ago?”

“Something like that.”

“And how long had she been in the Brotherhood since then?”

Bellac replied, “I don’t exactly keep count of other people’s business.”

Arno furrowed his brows at this, piecing together the rest of the information that had been shared with him, “Hmmmm….I wonder what changed her mind.” 

OK, so Elysia has been in this particular Brotherhood for four-five years. In said four-five years she never cared to learn about the history of the Brotherhood, the French Rite, or who Shay Cormac was. She decided to keep her head down and play ignorant because...? Character development? 

She's immortal, and clearly more than just a 'Gypsy' with those ears of hers. You mean to tell me Bellec never bothered to ask where she came from? It's clear she's incompetent, yet got her position because she's a woman of colour - we need those diversity mottos, after all!

“….You look terrible,” because for some reason, there was just no filter programmed in the Dorian’s head. It didn’t help that Bellac was giving him that look, you know, the one where his lips pressed, arms tucked across his broad chest, and the twitching at the corner of his lip ready to spew whatever curse word was fitting for the moment.

Sophie was a bit more….polite in that regard, her hands on her hips with her shoulders square and confronting, “…That’s not very appropriate to say to the Grand Master, Mr. Dorian.”

Arno puffed out a small sigh. He took a step back and let the tip of his boot dig at the rug beneath him, his head slightly inclined to focus at the fabric indent his movement made, “I meant no disrespect. I was….merely concerned.” 

Arno says what's on his mind. He's not the type to be deceptive that way. In game he's pretty nonchalant when he says it this way, but you know he didn't mean it disparagingly. In this context, Arno is just being the - dare I say? - socially awkward kid with Asperger's who doesn't know what boundaries are. He's allowed to ask questions. You'd think Bellec would appreciate his honesty once in a while.

In hindsight, it wasn’t a smart idea; going after a man who had evaded capture for the past two to three years and had a higher amount of skills was….daunting, but that wasn’t going to dissuade Arno from trying. Not when he was so close. 

When Les wrote that she was going to fix the plot, I assumed there'd be more missions and more character development in the way of the Brotherhood. I didn't expect Arno's very first mission to be riding on the back of Bellec's, or Bellec telling him to his face that he wasn't ready. You mean to tell me all those months of training under him and the Great Satan didn't teach him anything?

Oh, I can see the eye rolling and snarky attitude from Elysia now. 

He flowed with the body traffic, keeping a close eye on the watchmen that roamed the streets. Mostly in groups, they were eyed judiciously by the citizens themselves; the building tensions between the common-men and authorities were obvious, but Arno suspected many were still upholding some sort of peaceful social-code. For now. 

This definitely has modern connotations, especially with all those clips of 'peaceful' BLM protesters attacking cops. Difference is, people in the French revolution didn't get welfare and didn't have Nike stores to loot, nor massive corporations pledging money for them. In any case, I think I'll see more modern touches here.

“Ahh….it’s been so long since we laid our plans.” Sivert chuckled, and settled back with a satisfied smile. “It’s time to finally shift the board, and wretch it out of the elites; the people of France are not the only ones battling injustice. Far too long have the de la Serres reigned control of the Templar Order.”

And then, did Arno realize, an abrasive sensation fueled his upset stomach. Infuriated by this man’s mere voice alone. That the man sitting beside him might be his step-father’s murderer….and was completely unaware that Arno was about to deliver the deserved, over-due fate.

Arno resorted to not saying anything, his scoff sounding like an affirmation for Sivert to continue, “You remember, the party is tonight with the Templar from the Americas.” 

Reminder that it took 138,000 words just for Shay to be name dropped. He's supposed to be one of of the titular antagonists and he still hasn't made an appearance? For shame.

This 'mwahaha, we will take over the world!' cartoonish Templar speech shouldn't be found in a 'serious' re-write. Then again, Les's inspiration is from Kingdom Hearts, so I don't expect pure poetry here.

The young Assassin glowered down to his bulging-eyed prey, ignoring the hand that tried to push him off, “De le Serre was my father, and you took him from me! Remember my face!” He didn’t budge.

Arno's hidden blade went through Sivert's temple. He would've died instantly. None of these movements should be happening. 

Ah, so NOW Elise is considered Arno's love interest? I thought she was just his sister!

Sivert’s limp limbs squirmed for rescue, and his throat gurgled out miniature crimson geysers from how much blood clogged his throat. His eyes scrambled for the sun itself, but Arno made sure to deliver the cold death he promised him. Not until Sivert halted movement, not until Arno physically saw the last shred of human life in his eyes sand away did he let go, and withdraw his left hand. The tremoring hidden blade sunk back into his arm, and his autopilot feet guided him out of the sinned booth. He kept his head low, passing by two monks that rounded a stone pillar, separating themselves from the public service that continued. By the time Arno made it by the entrance of the church- 

Again, no. The blade went through his temple/cheek, not his throat. Even if it did, he would've lost so much blood instantly he wouldn't have had time to kick his feet or cry out.

“You handled yourself well,” Bellac crossed his arms, giving Arno a good look up and down briefly, “Got out undetected.”

“I said I would do it, didn’t I?” a slight edge clung to Arno’s tongue.

"Aye, and yet you look like someone had beaten your pet dog in front of your face." Bellac noticed, his expression stone, "What? Was your hunt for this Templar not enough to satisfy your need for redemption?" 

Arno hasn't even been on a single mission solo and Bellec is lecturing him about redemption? Yeah, that makes absolute sense. How can you lecture about your student when you have never personally seen them off or had them experience enough missions to draw a proper portrait?

At this point, Bellec doesn't even know it's about redemption for Arno. 

There were more conspirators in all this, “….We have other things to worry about,” Arno moved the conversation along, stepping aside and facing away from Notre Dame, “There’s an opposing group in the Templar Order, and they’re getting aid from the Colonies. They’re planning something big.”

"The Colonies?" Bellac was right at his side, eyes narrowing, "What the devil could they want from them? They’re the reason France sunk as low as it has...didn't think the Templars were that desperate for control."

This is why the Parisian Brotherhood sucks so much. You don't even know where your threats are and you are setting yourself up for another purge. What do you mean you 'didn't think' Templars are desperate for control? That's been the raison d'être for thousands of years! 

“It’s not a them,” Arno corrected and eyed Bellac, “Sivert revealed a single Templar is coming from America. Any ideas of who it might be?”

Bellac remained silent for a moment, searching the floor, "No...not exactly. Too many big-shot Templars still lurk in the Colonies...wouldn't know where to start."

“Hmm, then we’re back to square one,” Arno gave a deep sigh, crossing his arms. “…Sivert is dead. That’s the only lead I was able to retrieve.”

 It's pretty obvious who it is. Bellec more than anyone else would know just from Colonial Templars who it is. Haytham is dead; that would leave the Irish juggernaut. But hey, we can't have that level of critical thinking.

Their journey back had fallen to silence as Arno scavenged for mental clues, but came up empty handed by the time they had arrived at the hideout. He remained beside Bellac who announced the good news to Mirabeau, and a part of Arno wanted to tell him the truth of what he had learned….but doing so would only create a new problem for him to tackle.

 ...You don't think telling anyone about the Colonial Templars being spearheaded by Shay Cormac is an issue? You don't think your spies not finding him docking at a French port is a sign of their incompetence? You don't think telling people what the Templars are up to is a sign you're failing at your job?

Just wow, dude. 

His desire to seek answers for de la Serre was not heavily shared amongst the Council, he came to realize. Mirabeau and Quemar were engrossed in finding Templar activity, but Arno couldn’t recall any time one of them personally came up to him to ask about his progress. Sophie and Beylier were dealing with their own teams and missions….leaving his mentors as his only options. And….well…..Bellac’s loath for Templars and Elysia’s disregard for his sister’s wellbeing were both something he didn’t want to deal with. This was something he had to figure out on his own….and so he would….

They never asked, and neither did you. Even though Mirabeau wanted to uphold the truce and all - a plot point conveniently written out - and has lied about things like Shay Cormac wandering around Paris. 

Can we stop with the 'Élise is Arno's sister' thing? We know she isn't. Arno hasn't told anyone about her, and Elysia wouldn't like a fellow redhead as competition, so what's the issue here? You not getting a safe space?

Am I reading the same sassy, smart, and stealthy Arno I see in game?

“Bellac and Elysia might take the cake though; they don’t sugarcoat their bluntness.”

“I’m sure they mean well,” Sophie insisted, clearing her throat for a second. “They both have a….tendency to show it in different ways.”

“You’re telling me,” he scoffed. “Has Elysia always been like that? Or am I the special case?”

“Hmmm….it’s hard to say,” Sophie drummed her fingers at this, “To be fair….you’re not as difficult as Stephen was.”

Gee, simple things like Elysia nearly killing Arno and calling him a fucking idiot don't count, eh? It's obvious what she thought about Arno. She never wanted him to become an Assassin and told him as much. I'm glad this information was forgotten/ret-conned because the authors are too dumb to remember what they wrote.

From Bellac’s encounters with Templars, and the places they might frequent battled with his gut of whether or not he would get the information he needed. So after pub, after pub, after pub, Arno’s justifiable crusade became his motivator to trek on. Despite his trainings as an Assassin, and as Sophie pointed out, his “Assassin lineage,” finding a dismantled Templar Order was almost an impossible task.

Why would you go to a pub to ask about Templars? Ordinary people aren't going to know who they are, and you'd just be drawing attention to yourself. You're breaking the Creed, boyo.  

"Someone who's had an eye on you for quite some time. A fellow inmate in that cruel institution that was the Bastille." The man answered, cryptic as ever. Arno frowned, rudely reminded of his time wrongly imprisoned in that fortress. Yet, he could hardly recall of his face...except...he could recall screaming.

I am glad that the Marquis de Sade is chilling in a pleb bar drinking piss-style ale instead of wine like he usually does. Is he going to sexually molest Arno in this story, too? 

"OOH, I wouldn't say that," de Sade took the shot of Arno’s served wine in time for the bartender to return with the new drink. The bartender eyed Arno suspiciously and took the emptied cup, the young man exhaling sharply while de Sade swirled the red wine. “I feel it’s my sovereign duty to aid all those who have suffered in cruelest bondage with me at the Bastille...and I have a vested interest to see the King of Rats...caught in a trap."

This is definitely a downgrade. I always suspected it, but here I'm finally getting some proof.

Instead of given leads about the King of Beggars from the Council due to said King butchering and mutilating Assassins, Arno gets his information casually from a bar. de Sade casually tells him everything he needs to know, undermining the whole concept of build-up to confrontation. Like Sivert, the King of Beggars will be dispatched as a nameless villain we'll never see again.

How is this a rewrite? 

The further they walked, the ominous sign of less guards revealed a direful revelation Arno had tried to overlook: he was alone in a Templar location, and no one knew where he was if something were to happen-

You could potentially be marching to your own death.

That's what happens when your character loses all sense and sensibility and walks right into a situation - with snipers in nighttime - he didn't plan ahead for. While in-game Arno is known for this, he moulds into the situation well and finds ways out of it. He isn't stupid. He is here. 

“What do you make of this….Templar, Roi?” Marie quipped, keeping her gaze forward which Arno could only guess was the door. “If you ask me, I find this highly susceptible to infiltration, especially if it’s not a Templar from France.”

"I've heard plenty of rumors around him, not much of a face to put it. He has a tendency to always accomplish his missions, no matter the cost. Why, if it weren't for that ol' Haytham Kenway sending him off doing God knows what, he might have kept the Colonies under proper Templar control," Thunes answered, looking rather like a skeleton from the dim lighting the candles inside provided.

Shay Cormac was one of the most infamous Templars to have ever lived. He single-handedly destroyed the Colonial Assassins, killed Arno's father, and remained a legend to Templars and Assassins ever since. You mean to tell me the French Rite has no idea who he is when they remain interconnected with each other? 

Jesus Christ, even the Templars are dumbasses!  

“Our guest has arrived from the Americas. Shay Cormac has made his presence; let us welcome him warmly to our cause. Shay, these are the men and woman of my inner circle to rebuild the Parisian Order, and change Paris for the better. Marie Levesque, Roi des Thunes, and la Touche.”

Note: it took 138,000 words for us to get here.

The pistol rested right in front of Germaine’s forehead; the hood fallen back to expose his expression to his assassin.

“You think….you’re a hero, having slain his villain?” Germaine kept his fear at bay.

“I’m no hero. I’m merely a messenger,” Shay finished, and the swift bullet blasted into Germaine, silencing him forever. 

Well this is something. Germain, the titular villain of Unity, is killed in a single sentence, along with most members of the Parisian Rite, by Shay. What's the purpose of this you ask? To keep Precursor artifacts out of the hands of Assassins and Templars alike? 

Who knows. Either way, this isn't how you dispatch a villain, even a bad one. Even more so that we have a Mary Sue being the prime protagonist who will eventually fight and kill Shay. 

I'm getting TLoU II flashbacks, and it isn't good. 

"No doubt the Parisian Brotherhood is still meddling with these infernal devices..." Shay peered over the bodies, "I had my doubts about the Templar Order here but it seems the England Brotherhood held quite some contempt with them. I can see that there might have been some truth with how things are ran here."

"It's a disgrace to the Order." The bulkiest woman relented, "They followed a warped vision of the Father of Understanding, a man who claimed he knew the answers best."

"That is the fallacy of man, unfortunately." The younger man chimed, sighing a moment after, "When there is no God, someone will claim the mantle as his own to become one.”

This is what happens when you take inspiration from Kingdom Hearts: your villains are comical and their Villain Monologues are a bore to read. They need to command the scene they are in and show the ready they mean business. Dialogue will sell what story cannot. If you can't write good dialogue, your characters will not appear strong. 

Plot wise, destroying the French Rite with no intention of replacing or annexing it is piss poor writing. Imagine being one of the most infamous Templars and saying shit like this:

"Enough. We've done our work and surely the guards will eventually come to find the bodies. The Order will begin to collapse from the inside, and it's not our job to keep it afloat. We're here for another purpose, and do not stray from that singular goal."

Who the Hell are you serving now? Juno? Some obscure African goddess? Definitely fucking things up in the worst ways possible!

He had to tell Bellac- no. He’d only get into more trouble that way.

Elysia? Ugh…..no. She wouldn’t understand. This was way beyond her reach, her surveillance over him. He….he had to face this on his own.

But that was already a terrible idea to begin with. 

...Yeah, this isn't Arno. It would be well within his interest to tell the Council about this. It would be within his duty. You don't just witness murder, hear people candidly talk about what they plan to do for France, and plot against your girlfriend without saying something. 

But hey, when your mentor is someone like Elysia, I don't blame you for not saying a word. She's a cunt, she hates you, she'd rather you be dead. Who does Arno tell instead? James, the nobody:

"Why come to me then, Arno?" James’ lips pressed, uncertain of the wave of information Arno had hit him with, "I don't doubt this is serious, you might actually be onto something breaking. But shouldn't you have told this to Elysia or Bellac, the Council??? They’ve been running with their heads cut off about this sort of knowledge and you got it in a single night??"

Lampshading. That's called lampshading. Imagine being a random NPC telling the main character he's being an idiot for not telling the Council the French Rite is effectively dead on arrival.  

Arno shook his head, his dry throat making it that much more difficult to explain, “I-I can’t go to Bellac, he won’t care about what happens to Elise, and neither will Elysia. You have to understand me, James. PLEASE.”

...I don't think that's the biggest concern for you, Arno. And I know you'll drop that redhead for cock, because you're being paired with not one but multiple gay men in this story. 

James harshly ducked both of their heads, and the windows behind them shattered on impact. The entire wall gave in, splinters and glass piercing the air the rain. The guards beneath dispersed from the collapsing area, crying out and fleeing the scene. Arno stumbled up, and his eyes widened to find the broad-shouldered Irishman had stationed himself on a hanging scaffold, facing their direction. James’ chest heaved, his hood having flown back from the impact as his light hair hung about his face. His cut cheek bled as he clutched Arno’s forearm.

“You in some kind of hurry?” the man named Shay fixed the thick rifle on his side, filling the chamber with a hand-sized bullet. “You just got here.”

Les, I don't think you know what sniper rifles are or what the difference is between them and grenade launchers. You don't 'blow up walls' with sniper ammunition. They didn't have the armour piercing bullets they have today, or ones that melt tank armour. 

In any case, this chapter was a pretty quick read, 10,000 or so words of useless plot and dialogue that didn't go anywhere. Since we are 1/4 of the way through the entire story, there is going to be a lot of slogging through what will likely be a 400,000 - 500,000 word epic. It took 138,000 words for Shay to appear, and he killed the titular villain in a single sentence. I'm not sure if he'll be the main villain, but either way, he's OP like Sephiroth here. 

What can be summarized so far is that both the Assassins and Templars are utterly incompetent. 

Assassins cannot:

- Use a proper spy network.

- Cannot gather appropriate information.

- Are not aware that Shay Cormac is in Paris.

- Have no knowledge as to who he is or what he did.

- Have Mentors who have no idea who he is.

- Walk into situations where they are massacred when the situation could have been avoided. 

- Be usurped by an Irishman with a grenade launcher and a redhead with elongated ears.

Templars cannot:

- Be adequate or convincing villains.

- Get killed amid tee-hee villain dialogue in a single paragraph, despite this being a rewrite and despite expectations they'd be fleshed out as villains

- Have a Grandmaster who doesn't know who Shay Cormac is

- Have another Templar not know or respect what a Sage is

- Keep a Rite in any country without said tee hee villains wiping them out.

You see how ridiculous this is becoming? Now, add on not one but three authors who do not know how to craft a story. Do you think Ezio would've been this stupid? No. But since this is a 'rewrite' and there's going to be porn, I do not expect any solid story-telling. What I suspect will happen is that Arno will get injured severely, get thrown in jail or tortured, and fall in love with one or two more guys who'll ass fuck away his memories and love of Élise. 

Arno cannot be complimented on his skills, and when he's written on his own terms he comes off as an utterly useless twat who really shouldn't be a member of the Brotherhood. Imagine hearing who killed your father, witnessing the deaths of the french Rite, and what's going to happen to the Assassins in under a minute and refusing to tell anyone because one redhead is going to fuck up your redhead? Is there any sense to this? 

No. I expect more race baiting politics to be injected into the next chapter, as well as more dumbass decisions and character degradation. Who honestly rushes headlong into a situation where Shay Cormac is king and the Brotherhood never told you who he was and that he was in Paris all along?

Three retarded authors, that's what. Jesus Christ, this is shaping up to be a huge tome of failure. I don't remember any villain, there aren't any redeemable or memorable characters, and the only taste I have in my mouth is a chewed up cheek because I have to watch a redheaded 'Gypsy' Mary Sue rule the day.

1/4 of the way through, my dudes. 1/4.