The pain cuts deeper - Pistols at Dawn Chapter 12

Previously, it took half a chapter to introduced Shay Cormac, and another half to introduce the ridiculous capture the flag plot for Arno to bond with the Baguette Boy Band. Each chapter clocks in around 30-35 pages or more, large font in the WordDoc, and it translates into so many wasted words it should not be possible with two co-authors. It will take a long time to get to the smut and any meaningful plot. For now, I must trudge through this shit show as it is updated. 

First, this capture the flag tournament for a would-be villain that will have no lasting effect on the plot is a waste of time. A fête like this would be very expensive, and a noble who spent all that time wasting his money on bread and circuses wouldn't be in the least bit suspicious at all. The guy has braids in front of his ears, for God's sake!

But, that's not entirely my beef. Not yet. There's a quote by Stephen here that I have to laugh at:

"Sneaky cheating bastards..." Stephen muttered loud enough for his comrades to hear, clearly displeased alongside Clement.

That's funny, because in the previous chapter, Stephen and his buddies cheated Arno out a token and laughed in his face about it. Now they're acting that since the other guy cheats, they're in the clear. 

Astounding characterization.

Marcourt didn’t waste time, “Odd that two British men have found their place with one another at an equal opportunity.” He took a step forward, standing before Stephen and Arno from higher height, “Rather thin, these two.” Arno bit his tongue at this, curling his hand into a fist as Marcourt didn’t let up, “You a soldier? A commoner? Do you know how to speak?” He suddenly addressed Stephen, and unexpectedly flicked one of his long bangs aside, seeming in shock of its length, “Know how to speak French? German? Italian? Do you have a tongue?“

I, too, would find it odd two Englishmen, one who can't speak a lick of French, are playing pseudo Hunger Games in order to get close to Mr. Token Blond Shitbag here. I cannot help but notice is that Arno is still watered down and shat on even when Elysia isn't there. Arno isn't a twig; he's lithe at first, and then builds muscle later. 

The more I read into Marcourt, the more he appears to be a bad anime villain: he has braids and bangs. Not very era-appropriate, especially with the threat of lice. 

"The hair needs to be trimmed," Marcourt ignored him and moved his vulture instinct to Arno (who didn’t appreciate it at all). "I need bigger men, not little girls who want to play soldier." His mind raced for an answer, a comeback of any sort as he semi-glared up to the General. Dumas himself looked a bit uncomfortable, but said nothing as he awaited, and stared when Marcourt chuckled at Arno's quiet, annoyed demeanor. 

I don't think a high-ranking man in the French army will full on braids and bangs should lecture others on having long hair. Of course, the 'little girls' comment is another kick in the knees for poor Arno. At this point, I'm used to his bastardized character, but it's going to get worse before it even gets better.

"Let's just get this over with….." Arno settled his focus on the prepared field. The crowd shuffled, and the announcer waved to them to approach, "To make him eat his words!" Clement and James stared at the fiery young male, briefly sharing a gaze before sweatdropping.

This is a bad anime, isn't it? Because people don't 'sweat drop' in real life. They'll sweat, blush, feel faint, their pupils will dilate, but they'll never get one huge drop floating beside their head. This is what happens when your co-authors (and yourself) are obsessed with anime trying to write an historic epic.

“……You’re a dead man,” the man across chuckled angrily, jerking his head in their direction.  

How does one 'chuckle angrily'? Le sigh.

“You’d think serving in the King’s army would have you taught you a thing or two of learning English,” James flipped his blade again, ducking from the erratic swipes the other man held towards him. 

I suspect this is a reference to all the times the French fought the English, but English was not widely spoke at the time. French was the common language spoken in European courts. The lack of historical research is telling - not sure how many times I'm going to say that, but I will for every instance of bad history I see.

“Haha, I don’t think Elysia is easy to please,” Dumas countered, stroking his chin as a certain look hung among his eyes, “Then again, you all have known her longer than I have; I take it you know what’s best.”  

Of course not. When you have a character who nearly murdered a pupil all because he told her, to her face, that she was ruining her own business it doesn't take rocket science to deduce she's not easily pleased. Mary Sues are notoriously unpalatable.

Abruptly the guards shifted, legs apart as they pointed their rifles right at them. Arno’s eyes shot about, but just when he thought Stephen was about to make a move-

This doesn't surprise me in the slightest. These guys should've known they were walking into a trap. Had they actually done research into this guy, they might've realized he was a double-crosser. These guys have to be the worst Assassins ever.

“It’s a shame, really. I want you to know that I was hoping to actually recruit men for a good cause…..but I don’t think Assassins are capable of….autonomy. You’re skilled men, capable men, but men on the wrong course of history.” 

You know he's a villain when he starts monologuing!

Marcourt’s intrigued eyes glided across them again, “The politicians of France have put our government in a….troubling position. The city suffers, the people suffer, and yet the potential to overturn it all goes unchecked, untouched. If you truly wanted to aid the citizens, then you should be aware of the truth.” 

The 'twoof'. Yeah, I'd say the city is suffering, especially when you have a character like Elysia stealing grain from the poor so her boyfriend can make a profit (best part is, Les hates billionaires and guys like Bezos stealing from the working class); possessing no knowledge of Assassin purges or is even aware of how a business works. With friends like these, who needs monolouging villains?

“A truth Dumas even refused to decipher: the Brotherhood is headed toward a dangerous goal….one Mirabeau is willing to sacrifice everything for. And here you are-“ Marcourt gestured to them, a hard look stiffening his posture, “-doing his dirty work.” 

If this is the plot twist, it's already sucking ass. Mirabeau is exchanging letters with the King of France and he willingly allows the Assassin base of operations to go under - Elysia absolutely didn't help things - and refuses to talk to anyone about Shay Cormac's return. Mirabeau was a sneaky fucker, but this sneakiness is just bad writing, man.

“I know you, boy. Son of Charles Dorian, the misfortunate Assassin that received that Precursor Box back in Versailles. The same day that the American-bred Templar ransacked through French territory, oblivious to our radar until it was too late.” The blond man took it a step further, circling around Arno’s free side, gesturing lightly with his hand. “Thus started the great debate, birthed the political oppositions in the Order itself the minute he died. The very second Francois took you in. Are you aware of this?”

So this is Les's attempt to fix the AC Unity plot by actually addressing Shay killing Charles Dorian. Arno is very likely going to have a mental breakdown and cry to Elysia who will tell this Fucking White Male to man up, even though she herself argued that he deserved to know who killed his father.

Ah, plot twists. Monologues. One-dimensional villains! It's all there, baby.

“I want a name,” Arno requested.

Marcourt considered a moment, “…You can start with a man named Sivert.” He searched his memory vault for any recognition of that name, raced for it when suddenly, Marcourt shrugged with a small smirk, “If you even leave this room, alive.” 

Arno already heard Sivert's name called out when he ran to M. de la Serre's body. You don't mean to tell me he completely forgot about it? Guess you do mean to tell me.

Stephen was right behind him, leaping off a table, making the produce soar as he retracted his arm, the rifle swung too late. Stephen twisted it in his grasp, aiming and firing at the rushing guard coming his way before he finished the other beneath him, stabbing the rifle to his chest and pulling the trigger. 

He's...doing what now? He jumped the table, leapt at a guy, grabbed his arm, twisted the rifle away and...stuck a bayonet in the guy's chest and fired. Has someone ever told Les her fight choreography sucks? It's Batwoman-tier shitty.

“Tch!” Marcourt fell to the floor, wincing as the hidden blade jerked out the side of his throat. The red liquid swam down his tan skin, and tainted his white gloves when he reached up to pause the flow. “Foolish…men…with foolish ideals….do not get to live in the New World that is being shaped….”

One-dimensional, brief villains always gotta top if off with shitty, 'You just wait!' dialogues. Les, again, this isn't an anime. If you're going to write any villain, even a background villain, it helps to have them have a purpose and a lasting impression. Otherwise, he's a red herring. Ever heard of it?

The muffled sounds of several visitors underneath gave a pleasant hum to the soft breeze; the Seine River flowed uninterrupted, and it glimmered like newborn crystals. 

Someone didn't tell Les that the Seine at this time was heavily polluted. Tanneries and other related runoff made the river into a stinking, diseased mess. The river was cleaned up, like the Thames and other rivers of the world, when better sewers were built and regulations were put in place. 

I rolled my eyes, “What, should I go congratulate them?” 

Your pupils were ambushed and nearly died, and all you can do is roll your eyes and act as if they're a waste of your time?! 

Don’t get attached. 

No...can't imagine the Mary Sue getting attached to anyone without them interfering with her morals. She's too ascended for us mere plebs.

“His history with Shay, or a gist of it.” I looked over to Beylier, his eyes having locked on an oblivious Arno whose mane got ruffled by Stephen beside him. They were laughing about something. “I suppose the rest of you do, too.”

These guys were nearly massacre Red Wedding style in a church and they're laughing and joking about it? Arno's reaction is very telling, because he was nearly told by Mr. Token Blond Asshole who really killed his father. But, like anything else, it'll be promptly forgotten because we'll be back on the road to praise Elysia and all her wonderful greatness.

To add, Elysia, despite being a Mentor for however many years, doesn't know jack shit about the Order or even tries to do research on the era she inhabits - much like her author! She should know who Shay is, she never asked about him, and she treats other people who are rightfully afraid of him like they're irrational idiots. Talk about a SNAFU.

Beylier shook his head at this, his mouth firm and strained, “Many allies had fallen by his hand. Bellac’s irrationality is not….so far-fetched; the Rogue tore many communities apart, crumbled impenetrable sectors. It is said he was apprenticed with one of the best teams in the Colonies under Achilles Davenport, a long-time friend of mine.”

That's not 'irrationality'. That's called survival. Bellec barely made it out. He was lucky to have been transferred back to mainland France. Maybe Elysia could offer some empathy because she endured it when she was 'tutoring' Ezio, but nooooo.

“Resilience is an understatement. But he is still just a man,” Beylier reassured with a small nod, resting a hand on my shoulder. “I may have my doubts with finesse of the operation, but the Parisian Brotherhood will not tolerate any form of havoc wreak upon our nation. That much I swear I will give my all to accomplish.” 

This Brotherhood has a Mentor who had no idea who Shay was; who has no idea of what French culture or the nation is yet is entrusted to keep the people of France safe. The Parisian Brotherhood was incompetent in game and they are even worse in this iteration. To add insult to injury, Les promises this will be a terrific re-write. It's just another jug added to the water torture.

I chewed on my tongue, “……I attract nightmares, like moths.” 

I was about to say, 'But you're a good enough nightmare yourself' but this gif does the job nicely.

“Heh…there doesn’t need to be one,” Beylier hummed, exchanging a glance. “I should bring you a bottle I have. Not the best, but much better quality than the ones Mirabeau hides within the bookshelves.”

I quirked my mouth at this, “You’ve seen them too.”

Not sure why this is surprising. Mirabeau was known to be quite a party animal. He was a womanizer, he wrote erotica and pornographic letters, and was boisterous in the Third Estate. Plus, you've been around him enough. Why don't you know his character, Elysia?

“How he’s leader and you’re not?”

His eyes darted away at this, “I should…get going-“ 

Let me guess. Something to do with racism. We'll probably see a fight between Trenet and Beylier on who is the most oppressed person.

“Ugh. Begone, you. You’ve caught enough trouble already.”

He laughed briskly, “…Thank you for helping, Elysia. Your aid is always appreciated.”

And he left. 

...What help? What aid? This pep talk didn't solve anything or reveal anything important aside from flexing Elysia's non-existent muscles. 

“……You did well,” I began, crossing my arms. “You worked as a team, listened to one another, and went in prepared.” 

"Do my ears deceive me?" Arno cupped his ear at this, leaning it to me, "A second compliment today? Have you been replaced while we weren't looking???"

James nudged Arno's side with his elbow, "Arno, mind your manners." 

Getting bum rushed in a church when you didn't expert snipers to be there isn't prepared. All of you guys were nearly mowed down where you stood were it not for the Mary Sue saving your ass. She's thanking them now, not out of genuine appreciation, but obligation. When I wrote in previous posts that Elysia has no respect for anyone but herself, it continues to ring true the more she interacts with those beneath her. It's definitely a power play and it reveals a tad bit too much about her creator.

"I'm asking quite genuinely. This a first for me to see this side of Elysia," Arno combatted to his elder, the other sighing in defeat.

"Welcome to having a mentor that genuinely cares about your wellbeing," Stephen remarked softly before occupying himself with his pastry. 

No, she doesn't. Let's go back a few chapters: Elysia threatened to kill Arno in front of a dozen or so witnesses when he told her she was running the Café into the ground and drove its employees out into the street. She cannot handle criticism; cannot admit she is wrong without entering full Murder Brawl mode and beating the shit out of those beneath her. 'Genuinely caring' wouldn't involve disparaging Arno at every step because he's far more intelligent, wittier, and better developed. But that's just me.

Stephen let out a laugh, wiggling his pastry at my direction, “You say that like Bellac would actually let that happen. Besides, you're avoiding Arno's question on if you actually care about him doing well. Which, I'm of the opinion, that you do. Are we wrong?"

'Wrong' is a pretty simplistic way of portraying it. If Elysia cared about Arno doing well she wouldn't treat him like shit. She does, because it's 'character development'. Me, though? I see right through that shit.

I stared flatly, my need to fulfill some sort of human emotion inside of me diminishing by the second, “Unless you’re jealous about him being traded off every three days. Would you love for the Dorian to stay longer?”

As if there was any human emotion or character to begin with. 

"Honestly? Yes." He held a hard look, unrepentant. "I think Arno can learn a lot from us, Elysia. It's not fair to him for Mirabeau to leave it like this." 

Ho hum. Arno is going to learn from the guys who cheated him, treated him like shit, and continue to denigrate his character because he 'has a lot to learn'. Bellec is really slacking off here.

“Not at all…..that’s why you have me,” I noted. They all looked at my direction, and for a moment…. 

So much for being prepared.

You don’t listen, do you?

Nope.

“Your hair looks lovely today,” Charlotte admired the little girl’s tight braids, her eyes almost glistening from sheer joy itself. Oya merely blushed, averting her attention away. “Aww, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

“I think that’s unavoidable-“ I paused when Charlotte slapped her hand across my arm, “considering personal space is a myth to you.” 

 Remember what I said about these characters acting like they're in an anime? Charlotte is not a touchy-feely, 'squeeing' woman. She's reserved and composed. 

It also needs to be mentioned, again, that Les has no idea that Africans in France were rare in that time period.

I plucked out two particular pieces, and rested my front against the counter. The segments of sugar sparkled as I rotated my wrist to inspect the delicacy, the spotting on the bread creating a hidden design upon closer inspection. Then, there was nothing to admire as I ate it piece by piece.

Maybe Les and her co-authors should've spent more time using the Internet. It's free, and it can teach you pretty much anything you want. Sugar, especially after the losses of sugar colonies in the Caribbean due to race riots, became expensive. Orfeo is selling sugary treats and hasn't had his shop ransacked once. With so many poor and starving people, and with him using robber-baron strategies to rake in a profit, it is a wonder why the place hasn't blown up.

“I think you told me once...that bread meant a lot to you.”

That's why you can rob grain merchants to benefit your boyfriend's business without thinking twice about the people you starve in the process.  

"You gave the opportunity earlier, wearing that grouchy face like a mask." Orfeo removed himself from the entrance, making my eyes lift to his height, "You don't have the same look now."

“It’s been an……eventful day. My mood elevated somewhat,” I confessed.

".... It’s different. Makes you look cute."

 What.

I called it: the mouthy, uppity Mary Sue would be brought to heel from the one guy who doesn't take her shit. To think it took 112,000+ words to establish this among useless plotlines and paragraphs of eating a pastry.

“……………I’m sorry, I must’ve have misheard you,” I inclined my head, staring at the immortal incredulously, and suddenly the sunset refused to do its basic duty, instead seeking refuge inside the café.

"Oh really?" he raised brow. A slither of a smirk played on his lips at this, leaning his shoulder against the wall, "You look cute when you're not so grouchy. See, is that better?"

 ……………..The Fuck. 

 Every feminist acts tough until she gets a good dicking. What's funnier is that Les is a lesbian who brags about how gay she is and how straight men hitting on her are wasting their time, yet here she is living out through her OC and Elysia cannot resist that alpha male cock. 

Incomprehensible words bubbled in my head, and I made my way forward, attempting to make my way out the door. Instead, Orfeo casually straightened himself up, blocking the exit.

You have got to be kidding me.

You know, maybe this story isn't so bad. This het romance speaks to every Strong Empowered Woman cliché and ends with the submission to a rock hard cock. It just might be the saving grace from the eventual clusterfuck that will be the gay romance. 

“Why are you like this.” I voiced profoundly, “Orfeo, move.”

"Why should I?" He enunciated along with an advancing step, "You don't think I've noticed you checking me out?"

“W-What? I’ve never checked you out!”

Oh this just keeps getting better and better. 

“Whatever it is you’re thinking, it’s a bad idea-” I tried to dissuade.

“Never one to make good ones,” he urged, and in a flash did the darkness take hold. I could almost hear it, shuffling in place; a moment later Orfeo’s back oozed, and these tattered, transparent dark wings stretched out with a sharp snap. “Aren’t you curious?” 

I can handle Assassin's Creed having magical MacGuffins that can warp time and space, but the minute someone introduces demons and fucking angel wings I'm out. It's ridiculous, it's stupid, it breaks my immersion (not that I had any, but you get the point). 

God. Damn. It.

Pretty good summary of this chapter. If it was in capslock, it'd summarize the story. 

So, we had around 30-35 pages of a capture the flag scene that ended in Mr. Blond Asshole dying with a monologue, Elysia fretting over congratulating her team over nearly getting massacred in a church, and Elysia getting all hot and bothered with the hot baker next door. I wish this would be a parody, but it isn't. This is a serious work and hours were spent into it with two other authors. No one seemed to bother Les with telling her that writing nonsensical details drag down your story. If you can't summarize your chapter in a few sentences, it's time to re-work it. I love details as much as anyone else, but I get bored very easily. If you can't keep my attention, I'm going elsewhere. 

Bad characterization is a frequent theme of this work. Even when Elysia is not there, the characters, canon and otherwise, are poorly written and do not stand out on their own. Arno is simply going to be a collection of holes for the Baguette Boy Band and will never get to tell his own story. I have pointed out how awfully written he is since the beginning, but it will only get worse from here. Anytime someone tells me they are going to rewrite something while writing a canon character so horribly it makes me want to kill him out of mercy are worthy of the fiercest criticism. Unfortunately - but it is not unexpected - Les does not like it. I am going to wait until the sex scene arrives before I try leaving a comment. Before that, though, I'll have to be content airing my grievances here. 

In sum, this was a bad action chapter coupled with bad filler. The amusing part of this chapter, though, was Elysia realizing that she really, really wants a good dicking and her Mary Sue exterior melts away when the hot guy arrives. It's got the basis of a really bad porno, but hey, even PornHub produces better content. How does that compare to a starving socialist art student? Not very well.

If it takes you 30 pages to write something that can be solved in four, you're wasting your time. Authors need to learn to 'cut the fat' to keep relevancy. More so if your story revolves a 'rewrite' on a game you're making worse and a history you know nothing about. A sign of a intelligent person is to think and plot ahead. All Les can do is write what's on her mind: and that's a bad anime-esque horror show that is taking forever to establish.