You Can't Fix a Gypsy Curse - Pistols at Dawn Chapter 3

Hoo boy. 

You can’t fix what’s already broken, or what’s broken from the start. When you have not one, but three authors pitching in on a story bound to be an amalgamation of terror, bad writing, and bad history, there’s little you can do but sit at the margins and point. And, away from a website where authors can moderate comments, you can say as you please and show this monstrosity for what it is.

What better way to start off Chapter 3 with a cliché on how people worship; about how humans wage war on those who are different from them? It’s fun seeing the world from Twitter, but to those who are used to such violence or expect more from those philosophical grey areas, this smacks of someone (or in this case, some people who are trying to sound like Nietzsche but end up sounding like a hotdog vendor) who probably would be mega offended at Karl Marx’sletter to Bruno Bauer.

I knew they didn’t.

I knew many things. Against my will. A cobweb spun intricately in my head, with voices that sought to be my undoing.

Deadly voices.

Voices so vile and horrendous, no fanatical monster had anything on me, and no human could ever come to equals.

I was a monster, but how else do you fight monsters without being one?

 “I’m better than you. I know what’s going to happen, filthy plebs. Bow before me, because I will be the one to guide you into the future. You better worship the ground I walk on!”

It’s a funny tale, and if you ever asked me to tell you about it, I would laugh in your face. Actually laugh of the stupidity of your curiosity because you would never understand, and it would be much better that way. That you remained stupid; you’ll get far in life if you are, I guarantee it. And that’s how most people survived.

 “Don’t ask me questions, because I’m smarter than you and I’ve been around longer than you. This is my story, pleb. Don’t you forget it. You humans are fickle and pathetic and let me insert every Tee Hee villain monologue here, because you don’t get it, dammit!”

And I was always someone else.

I wasn’t myself.

Every second of death, every body that dropped in my hands, it would always lead back to where it ended.

 You’re a Mary Sue with inconsistent characterization. You’re completely unlikable, and this is the third chapter in which I am dealing with you. Imagine the previous 800,000 words with this creature. Back and forth and back and forth snarkiness, with no regret for any action or any consequences to said actions. It is a true shame this character did not stay dead, but had to come back to wreck another timeline and cuck more characters. 

“Madame Elysia?” The door was knocked, but the timid maid named Josephine dared not come in. Instead I went to her, and jerked the door open with a fluid wave. The young, freckled woman looked at the tip of my hood instead of my eyes, though I could feel her look graze the cut that ran along my nose. “Monsiuer Grisier wishes to see you. Shall I…clean the room?”

She was a little late. Odd.

“Oui,” I merely replied, and stepped around her, “Be quick about it.” And made my way down the hall of the manor-café theatre.

 For all the talk of liberté, égalité, and fraternité, Elysia is making sure she is blending in by having others refer to her as ‘My Lady’ and ‘Madame’, as if she were landed gentry or worthy of the title. She’s definitely blending in by refusing to consider herself a citoyenne, and regards all other humans as beneath her. You sure she’s supposed to be the hero, or the villain who enters other worlds and upends everything in it because of her will?

Is this an original character, or is it Ganondorf (and this is coming from a non-Zelda fan)?

As stated before, in this work, Arno does not control or manage the Café Théâtre – Elysia does. Why? Plot. Lore down pat. Get it right, pleb. 

“Madame Elysia, good morning,” the woman named Bridgette bowed her head. Again, my eyes were evaded.

“Where is Sebastian, and Marceline?” 

 “Ahh…M-Marceline went for groceries, and Sebastian is in the back. He has already prepared the coffee for the day,” she fiddled with the threads in her grasp, then bowed low enough that her messy bun almost undid itself. “Monsiuer Mathias wishes to speak to you.”

          “I was already on my way,” I declared.

         She nodded nervously of this, tucking a strand behind her ear “O-Of course, my mistake. Pardon me, Madame.” Bridgette zipped her way toward the back hallway in hurried steps. It would easily lead to the backend of the manor where I caught a  glimpse of the male servant, Sebastian peeking, awaiting her arrival. Even from afar, I heard the whispers as they walked to the courtyard’s well.

          “I’ve warned you to not get on her bad side,” he whispered lowly.

“S-She wasn’t in a bad mood. I don’t…think. You think….she’s upset?”

“Tch, when is she not.” And they proceeded their walk out of view.

Wow. You’re definitely a basket of rainbows and sunshine. Everyone is sure not to step on your eggshells and venerates you. As far as OCs go, any normal, human character making every canon character bow down to them would rightfully be called out. This is straight up nasty behaviour, and yet Elysia thinks she’s smarter and wiser than everyone else because she’s lived longer. There’s no establishment to her role here or how she managed to gain control of the Café; it is merely a given. She is entitled to this Café because she is more or less landed royalty and you better respect her.

Now, I don’t mind bitchy characters. But there’s a difference between an absolute, total cunt – yes, I will use that word – who has no redeeming qualities or flaws and evokes such a visceral reaction in the readership (as she is doing to me) that nothing would please the audience more than for the bitch to die, and a fun bitch. A fun bitch is one like Regina from ‘Mean Girls’, where you hate her but she is absolutely entertaining to watch. Fun bitches can be redeemed. Cunts cannot. We’ve entered Chloe Price status and this is only the third chapter. 

“What other mouth?” I furrowed my brows, and my back unintentionally erected.

“….The one you and Charlotte allowed to stay here.” He stared to me, clearly displeased. When I said nothing to affirm his statement, he straightened up, “What’s his name…..Arno?”

“……………Where. Is. Charlotte.” It was filled with venom, and I was immediately on my feet-
“The café- ELYSIA.”

 “How dare this canon character, who wishes to be an Assassin and was trained by a Master Assassin in the Bastille, set up shop in a building that’s a front for the Brotherhood while he’s trying to get over his girlfriend’s rejection and find purpose. This is MY establishment, dammit!" I’m the Avatar, you gotta deal with it!

“Why is that blasted boy still here???” I demanded loudly, pointing a finger at the hunched male. He turned slowly, fork in his hand….and his shaved mouth sprinkled with whatever crumbs he had been enjoying. Disgusting creature. “OUT.”

Because he’s a fucking white male, he needs to confront his privilege and deal with the fact that a ‘woman of colour’ dominates over him.

“And he specifically stated he would leave yesterday. Has he been here the entire night, without my knowledge!?” At this point, all bodies of the manor had made their way to the ruckus of the café, the servants peeking from the inner hallway, Grisier leaning to the railing from the upper floor and Mathias entering the café’s back door.

Imagine owning the front for the Brotherhood while being such a colossal bitch everyone is afraid of you. What wonderful character development, I’m literally shaking with joy.

Maybe, if Elysia had bothered to ask, Black would’ve told him he was the one who sent Arno to the Café – even though that was not his first destination. He isn’t even as Assassin yet, and has not yet gone through his initiation. Lore Down Pat means sending a guy to a Brotherhood front claiming he’s an Assassin while undergoing no training.

Lore Down Pat also includes a Mary Sue who, being so special and demanding, is going to kill him because it is her Café, not Arno’s. Really evoking that nasty stereotype of ‘People of Colour’ laying claim to things white people made, eh, Les?

“You are not involved in this!” I barked, and managed to swiftly cut across the space, irritating Charlotte of my inhumane speed.

“I feel pretty involved!” he replied with urgency, backing up what he could.

“You’re a fucking white male, I’m going to make you gay, and you are going to come second to me. I am far superior than all of you disgusting humans. No, you won’t become an Assassin, because this is not your story. The plot will be fixed when you get fucked properly, white boy!”

But Charlotte was the only person who ever gave a fuck about me….and….

No one in their right mind should ‘give a fuck’ about you. You’re despicable. You’re already usurping the main character all because your author wants to ‘fix the plot’, and because she’s a PoC herself who loves coloured characters more. Ergo, she’s being tribal. You’re nothing but a stain and you should be despised because for all your talk about being better, you’re lower than dirt.

I usually don’t have such strong words over fictional characters, but when someone happens to create one so bad all logic and reason is thrown out, the salt mines are definitely going to be opened. More so if a canon character is castrated before this magical pony.

“And yet you were stupid enough to follow one for blocks,” I stated the obvious. “You must be on some kind of death wish."

“I want a chance of redemption; I want to make things right!” this riled him up, and he was struggling in my hold again. I budged none, and watching him turn slightly pink in the face from his failed effort. “I have blood on my hands, and my sister is in danger! I can’t….I can’t do it on my own.”

“You’re running a fool’s errand.” This made him shoot his glance up, and I held my breath to see him actively searching the shadows of my cowl. “The Creed doesn’t aid in righting wrongs here; you can’t change the past, boy, no matter how many goods you do, or how many people you kill.” 

Elysia serves as end-game Arno, saying the Creed doesn’t fix anything and Arno should stop while he’s at it. Lore Down Pat includes Elysia not knowing Arno is Charles Dorian’s son, and that Bellec – excuse me, Black – recruited him and trained him in the Bastille. This fork in the plot involves Arno prostrating and castrating himself to this know-it-all, because no one ‘gives a fuck about her’ (and they shouldn’t), and boo hoo don’t you feel bad?

“What makes you different than anyone else? What makes you think that someone you had been hoarded up in jail saw potential in you?” 

I R O N Y
R
O
N
Y

Elysia, Praise Be to Her, accepts Arno into the Brotherhood and smacks him across the head when he tries to hug her (why?). What a total badass, controlling this ‘errant boy’, and being the one to mentor him. What a fox!

I was working with children. 

We're working with a bitch, so...fair is fair.

When we get to the Brotherhood politics proper, we find a trio of Englishmen playing with a kitten. Isn’t that just adorbs? Don’t you see Elysia’s humanity? Man, I need some tissues. 

At this did Stephen's hands slowly proceed to play with the cat yet again, eyes bouncing back and forth between us, his eyebrows furrowing, "Customs here are so strange; why do we have to bring it up with the council? They never agree with each other anyways, wouldn't it be better to just do it if we have the people for it?"

I…honestly couldn’t have put it to better words, but it would be dangerous to agree with Stephen so openly about it. He was...still on borderline acceptance with the Parisian Brotherhood, and Clement was no better in his permanent settlement under my supervision; if anything suspicious or out of line were to come out....even James wouldn’t stand a chance to stay.

Lore Down Pat doesn’t involve making the Parisian Brotherhood any more competent, it seems. The reference to food hoarding and how Parisian businesses would be sacked and destroyed by rioters would be a nice touch – if the authors actually cared about history. For now, Elysia is the one discussing French politics, and naturally she compares it to Ezio’s Brotherhood and how easy it would be to kill everyone in the chamber.

What excellent character development. But it would be a mercy killing, given what these characters will undergo in favour of the Mary Sue. 

We could do it all over again.

How good would that feel?

Related.  

In true Mary Sue fashion, Elysia is respected and appraised by all members of the Parisian Brotherhood...with the exception of Black. Black, written as the Token Asshole (as he usually is in most stories) happens to be the one who speaks the most sense. 

After the empty seat that belonged to Sophie was a blessed image of Guillaume Beylier, a Saint-Domingue native that took his free-world views into Paris and did much to support people of color.  

 Also related. 

Black snarks at our Wonderful heroine, and said heroine wishes she could throw a table at his head. I lowkey would not mind a table fight where Black can smack some sense into this bitch. It would be like Thanos punching Captain Marvel with his Fist of Equality.

I hauled my ass from Sophie, who gave me that look. You know the one: Don’t do something you’ll regret, or Quemar will start again. If there was anyone that I ever hated more than Quemar, the abhorrent Bellac was on the verge being on my kill-list.

One day. 

What’s that? A canon character threatening the Mary Sue? Aww. Too bad we won’t see the epic table fight. Equal rights, equal lefts!

Not only is Elysia manager of the Café, she manages and trains bands of Assassins. Where this came from, no one knows, but it’s assumed she used her “I knew Ezio Auditore and kicked his ass, so give me a seat on the Council, you stupid humans.” With an attitude like hers, where she inspires zero respect or treats her underlings fairly, Elysia stomps her feet on those she views as beneath her. Such an attitude would make her detrimental to the Brotherhood, but Lore Down Pat has decided: Elysia will not only be on the same stage as Assassin Mentors, she will be a mentor herself.

A bitchfight ensues between Elysia and Black, who rightfully tells her she’s done nothing for her ‘freedom’, when previously she snarked at him that he was wasting his time in prisons. Lore Down Pat apparently forgot he purposefully put himself there to look for clues regarding Pieces of Eden, so the Assassins could get to them before the Templars. 

“Mentor wants your attention, Elysia,” Bellac goaded once more, and nodded his head in Mirabeau’s direction. The corner of his lip stretched to that of a faint sneer, “Best do what you’re told."

Goddamit, Black. Stop making me love you more than I already do.

It was well known Sophie had written essays upon essays about the abolishment of slavery and acts for feminism happening in France’s general public. She made it no secret that she was passionate in her pamphlets, and no doubt in criticizing the oppression of the Third Estate.

What better way to honour this feminism by having a Mary Sue dictate what the Parisian Brotherhood can and cannot do? For aspects of French history to be cast aside all because a PoC self-insert can cuck a main character because he’s a ‘fucking white male’? I’m having a hard time wondering whether the eventual gay pairing will be done to ‘fix’ Arno by making him more approachable, or because the author simply doesn’t like him because he’s an attractive Frenchman from an era where 10% of the population wasn’t PoC like her. Ah, well.

She acquiesced in his decision, and sat down, simmering. I followed suite, and we both shared a stare that spoke many truths all at once: It’s because we’re women. 

Obligatory sexism, even though Mirabeau never looked down on Trenet, who became Head Mentor after his death. This was only done because the author is virtue signalling. Oh, by the way, it has nothing to do with you being women. Elysia is just a bitch, and should be treated like the garbage that she is.

Sexism? No. Equality.

“And where is he now?” I quipped; I need to soothe my rage in some way. “If he’s so great, then you should’ve brought him the minute you had the chance.” 

This happened in-game; Lore Down Pat includes lampshading the plot and castrating Arno so he has to kiss Elysia’s feet.

"Boy needs to come to grips about the choices for himself. He's spent damn near his whole life without even knowing about the Templars and Assassins to even be motivated to our cause." Bellac held back a scowl, crossing his arms firmly to his chest, "That damn De la Serre had 'im nearly brainwashed." 

...Bellac’s answer was acrid, "What a fucking mistake that was.” 

First, it’s clearly established that Arno had no idea de la Serre was a Templar until after his death. He lived in total ignorance; this jabbing at him for living under a Templar’s roof makes no sense, especially since de la Serre was willing to work with the Assassins during the Revolution because the Rite and the Brotherhood would suffer.

Elysia has a Lightbulb moment where she plans to leverage Arno against Black to soothe her own insecurities. Lore Down Pat will not have Black train and mentor Arno, but the Mary Sue Elysia. Why? Because Arno is a cucked little white boy who needs to learn his place. Unlike Black, though, Arno will not kill his mentor, because this is 'her story', and she is totally a 'fox'.

“Don’t….overwork yourself.”

She blinked gently at this, but nodded solemnly, “I’ll do my best. Good night, Elysia.”
Looks like Sophie’s warm welcome was going to be short-lived. 

“Hi, I just got into verbal arguments with a man who rightfully hates me and calls me out for the unscrupulous bitch that I am. I yell at my subjects and expect them to bow down to me, even though I’ve done nothing to earn their respect. But I’ll be all kind and gentle to other women, because they bring out the ‘real me’.”

"It's what I don't particularly find practical here in Paris; everyone needs to have an opinion, discussion, arguments, while that's all good and may in expressing free thought and will....it's getting us nowhere in a time where we need desperate leadership.”

Irony, considering this is coming from a Tumblr user who thinks she’s woke on politics but starts crying when reality smacks her in the face. You don’t make six figures with shitty drawings, Les.

I also love the subtle jab at free speech; despite wanting the Third Estate to be free and have a say, once enough people become literate and start criticizing others, their speech has to be clamped because that’s just too offensive. We can’t let the plebs talk. Get Elysia in there and she’ll shut them all up.

As expected, Elysia is a Council Member, for reasons left unexplained. It is assumed she was given the position because of her time-travelling and her tall tales about serving Ezio. Again, were this a normal human character, this would never fly. The Council is under no obligation to hire this wench. They have no idea who she is, and all of them – spare Black – adores her. It’s like 2010 all over again with the leftover Mary Sue Litmus Tests.

At the end of this chapter, Elysia will tell Arno all about the Assassin-Templar war, rather than Black or the Council Members when it came to his initiation. Lore Down Pat involves subverting the storyline in order to make situations which do not make sense make ‘sense’, to the three authors desperate to fix the plot. This castration of Arno will keep going until he gets the dicking – or will he be the one doing the dicking? - all to the pleasure of Elysia.

This also upends that Arno already knew Elise’s father was a Templar and his father an Assassin, because his interaction with her after the Bastille was cut out entirely. Lore Down Pat involves dumbing down the main character, because after all, this is not his story. This is not a fix-it of the story, or a tale of the French Revolution.

It’s a Gypsy Curse. And it comes from the lips of a person who cares so much about the LGBT alphabet and ‘people of colour’ to where she’ll trash canon characters because of a tribal mentality.

Remember: it’s not one person doing this. It’s three.